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Loneliness
Feb. 4th, 2012 10:32 pm I've spent so much of my adult life in isolation or having my social life stolen from me, that I'm discovering that I don't know how to be a friend or even how to be "social". I do not know how to be alone. I do not cope with it well at all.
I'm so thankful for the weekends that the children are with me. It helps ease the loneliness and jealousy as I read the posts on Facebook of my local "friends" and their outings and fun with other people. Even if I were invited to join in, I'm still so consumed with coping and dealing with the aftermath of divorce and how difficult life is now, that it seems to be all that comes out of my mouth. I'm sure it's damn annoying to hear me go on and on about the asshole and his antics. And if my friends are understanding and unconcerned that I still need to vent and haven't learned to shift the gears in my mind, then they have been trained by my past to exclude me. All too often, anytime I was invited to go out for drinks or even to a movie, the evening would end in disaster, with me being shamed and treated as though I was doing something wrong or that I would stray from my vows. Eventually, I would just start saying that I was "not allowed" to go out.
This overwhelming loneliness that grew out of his control of me has now been passed on to my precious daughter. Tonight, I saw her deep and painful loneliness for the first time. I had not realized how lonely she has become. She is the only daughter amongst sons, and that has made being a child hard enough. When I was with them in their home, I had made a concerted effort to ensure she had ample "girl time" and socialization with her friends.
Her brothers do not play with her, partly because of the age differences and definitely due to the wide cavern between their common interests. That was made apparent tonight while I was trying to rid myself of yet another migraine this evening. She has no toys at my house, and her brothers closed her out of their room. Her crying and frustration, throughout the entire day, has not only been because of her ridiculous amount of homework and her disdain for it. She misses having someone to talk to or play simple games with, and she misses her friends. No longer in her Girl Scout troop, and only attending dance class once a week, her social network and support system has shrunk. I learned that she has been missing out on recess at school due to her needing to catch up on schoolwork, and that her father does not allow her to go to after school club. She goes home with her brothers after school, and they remain alone with no adults for several hours. But she also is not allowed to go to her friends' homes; not that many of them want to deal with ex, even if he would allow her to go. No one cuddles with her or reads stories to her. No one just simply listens to her. No wonder she is so distraught and moody so much of the time.
I feel incredible guilt that I do not have custody of her. I feel even more guilty that I left all of them behind, that I was the one who asked for the divorce and moved out, and that I was too weak to fight for them. She told me it was not my fault, but truly it is. He knows it would be better for the children to have more than 4 days with me each month, but again, he must have that control. Now he isolates my children, especially my daughter.
I want so much to make this better for her, and I must find a way to do this sooner than later.
I'm so thankful for the weekends that the children are with me. It helps ease the loneliness and jealousy as I read the posts on Facebook of my local "friends" and their outings and fun with other people. Even if I were invited to join in, I'm still so consumed with coping and dealing with the aftermath of divorce and how difficult life is now, that it seems to be all that comes out of my mouth. I'm sure it's damn annoying to hear me go on and on about the asshole and his antics. And if my friends are understanding and unconcerned that I still need to vent and haven't learned to shift the gears in my mind, then they have been trained by my past to exclude me. All too often, anytime I was invited to go out for drinks or even to a movie, the evening would end in disaster, with me being shamed and treated as though I was doing something wrong or that I would stray from my vows. Eventually, I would just start saying that I was "not allowed" to go out.
This overwhelming loneliness that grew out of his control of me has now been passed on to my precious daughter. Tonight, I saw her deep and painful loneliness for the first time. I had not realized how lonely she has become. She is the only daughter amongst sons, and that has made being a child hard enough. When I was with them in their home, I had made a concerted effort to ensure she had ample "girl time" and socialization with her friends.
Her brothers do not play with her, partly because of the age differences and definitely due to the wide cavern between their common interests. That was made apparent tonight while I was trying to rid myself of yet another migraine this evening. She has no toys at my house, and her brothers closed her out of their room. Her crying and frustration, throughout the entire day, has not only been because of her ridiculous amount of homework and her disdain for it. She misses having someone to talk to or play simple games with, and she misses her friends. No longer in her Girl Scout troop, and only attending dance class once a week, her social network and support system has shrunk. I learned that she has been missing out on recess at school due to her needing to catch up on schoolwork, and that her father does not allow her to go to after school club. She goes home with her brothers after school, and they remain alone with no adults for several hours. But she also is not allowed to go to her friends' homes; not that many of them want to deal with ex, even if he would allow her to go. No one cuddles with her or reads stories to her. No one just simply listens to her. No wonder she is so distraught and moody so much of the time.
I feel incredible guilt that I do not have custody of her. I feel even more guilty that I left all of them behind, that I was the one who asked for the divorce and moved out, and that I was too weak to fight for them. She told me it was not my fault, but truly it is. He knows it would be better for the children to have more than 4 days with me each month, but again, he must have that control. Now he isolates my children, especially my daughter.
I want so much to make this better for her, and I must find a way to do this sooner than later.
